Saying For Today: We humans have reduced reality to how we understand fact, that is a biased reductionism that has not served us well, for we shut out most of reality. She reminds me the real takes many forms, and a dream is as real as when you wake up from a dream.
She was there... from where? I did not knowingly invite her, but within I must have been prepared for her in ways I was not aware. I could see her, could not see her, yet she was there from somewhere; maybe that somewhere is nowhere ~ I sometimes call it, with hesitation, the other side. I, in fact, do not wish this to sound otherworldly, somewhere else other than here, but words challenge me to speak of what is not our usual experience of this world.
I lived alone, spent much time reading, writing, and in quiet meditation. I was again single, a somewhat impractical man, contemplative and intellectual, trying to live inside a practical, materialistic world. I was struggling for inner peace, trying to please a church without sacrificing the truth. I had never been, from a child, one to fit in or care about fitting in. I had done well in life, accomplishing much, but had never accomplished being popular, being in the in-crowd. I was an outsider, socially. Being a contemplative introvert made the church battle more hurtful, more frustrating than it would be for most persons.
The Jesus people in my congregation were divided, some heralded me as good, while some liked me but were threatened by what I spoke forth, loudly and clearly on Sundays, more calmly when not on the public stage. They were concerned about the openness, the inclusiveness that I represented. For some, they seemed to want the world to be their tribe, for others, only their kind to be their tribe. For many, not only what I said scared them, the silence I engaged and taught others in the church seemed to be a threat to their sense of religious faith.
So, she came in the midst of this storm raging, and just before it worsened, with a faith family divided over denominational politics, doctrine, inclusion, and silence ~ a mess of a mess. Her presence was welcome; her meeting me alone, I was alone. I cannot put her into words: the why or the how of her coming. I cannot tell you from where or to where, for she left, at least it seems.
She would always come in time in silence, never outside it, and never when I was with others. Only in quietness alone, within and without, did she show herself to me. The representation of her in the mind was her being in her 30s and brunette. I recognize this as a way she appeared to me. I cannot say more than this was an inner vision, well-represented in the traditional religions, especially among mystics. So, she was real, but possibly not real in our sense of real ~ but, then, what is real? I am okay with saying she was an epiphany in the disguise of the vision of her that I have spoken of here.
The feel of her presence was more important than the how and why and what of her. When she came, each time I felt the most amazing, beautiful love. It would be fair to say an other-worldly affection. This was not as though she was loving me, but that she was love. I recall sitting in the silence one day. She was there again. As a single man, who had wished to meet a woman and share intimacy again when that gift would be given, body and mind and soul with someone, this thought arose: "This love is so amazing, having this, I know the love of a woman could never be this wonderful."
She left as soon as she came, after several weeks. I cannot say "came" and "went" are correct. I sensed this presence, then I did not, and I have not again in the last 15 years.
Why did this presence manifest, and to me? The only words that arise are, "To love me." I needed to be loved, to be assured, in a time very challenging and alone, when I had much opposition and was under much stress. In fact, when she left, as though having prepared me, the conflict in the church imploded on us, and my denominational leader, finding out the ruse of a minority in falsely accusing me to have me removed from my pastorate, gave me two months off for rest and with full pay. I gladly took it.
Possibly, this was a spirit female who was in some in-between place, or a presence manifesting in this particular guise of female. I do not have those answers. No one does, is my thought on it. But what do you do with such gifts that defy our usual logic? When such a gift is given you, you are best not to over-think it, rather receive it and embrace it, be embraced by it, give thanks for it.
Will she ever come back? Will I meet her after leaving this body? I do not know. I do not need to know. Yet, the memory of her visits reminds me that I am always loved, I am never truly alone, even when alone. That Love is the most wonderful gift. I am thankful to her, I welcome her back, if she ever wishes to visit again.
* * *
Some in transpersonal psychology speak of a stage of development called psychic. Is this where this experience would be located, if not where?
Yes, the psychic is a subtle mental state. A lot can happen in that, but it is still of the mind. Visions, voices, premonitions, and other phenomena can be located in that stage of evolution. However, this experience is too sacred to me to fit it in any category like that. I simply am grateful for having received it, I do not need to understand it. Can you tell me what love is?
No.
See? Yet, you can receive it. If you are trying to understand love, fitting it somewhere, you do yourself a disservice.
Do you miss her?
No. Never have. I cherish the memory of her, would welcome her again, but do not miss her.
Have you since felt that degree of love?
Possibly, but not that quality of love. Love, as I said yesterday of Silence, is one, yet has different qualities when in expression.
You seem to enlarge reality to include the imagination.
We do not see anything as it is, but as we see it. We cannot separate perceiver, perceived, and perception. And I am not enlarging reality. I am saying she was real, regardless of how. We humans have reduced reality to how we understand fact, that is a biased reductionism that has not served us well, for we shut out most of reality. She reminds me the real takes many forms, and a dream is as real as when you wake up from a dream. Again, the Real manifests in different disguises, but none more or less real. But, again, when you are blessed with a grace that does not fit in the consensual understanding of real, like I was gifted, if you stand off to question it as real or not real, you have pushed the gift away, you have distanced yourself from the gift. You either accept Life as a total Mystery, the Mystery, or you do not accept Life. And, if you do not accept it, how can you enjoy it. And, to conclude for today, I am not saying only she was, she is, nothing in the heart of Life ever dies.
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*The theme of "Lotus of the Heart" is 'Living in Love beyond Beliefs.' This work is presented by Brian K. Wilcox, of Maine, USA. You can order Brian's book, An Ache for Union: Poems on Oneness with God through Love, through major online booksellers.
